A Familiar Stranger
When I was young, gathering around the television, to watch award shows, was an event. Yes, we would watch Miss America, as well as the Emmys and of course the Oscars, in fact not only would I have Oscar parties, one year, I even stood outside, for too many hours, to see the arriving stars, in downtown Los Angeles; but things have changed.
Not only are there now simply too many award shows, for anyone to watch, and have a life of their own; but those being honored often feel almost a bit too tarnished to be thought of as “stars”. Miss America’s have been plagued by scandals, and more often than anyone would want, those magazines, which line the grocery store check out’s, with their salacious covers, are telling the truth, and the wondrous Internet has overexposed them and us.
Thus I no longer have Oscar parties, and perhaps a sign of my age, so often there seems to be little worth a trip to the theater or a few hours on the sofa, to watch. But on a Monday night, we found ourselves in a hotel room, having spent most of the day attached to a computer, with dinner finished, we turned on the television to watch the Emmys. It had been announced that Billy Crystal would be paying tribute to fellow actor-comedian, Robin Williams who had taken his life two weeks before; and we wanted to share this moment with those millions of anonymous people in television land, who too were grieving for a familiar stranger.
On the bottom of the television screen, it was announced that “In Memoriam” would air in 30 minutes, so I decided to hop in the shower. At 10:01 I was back in front of the television, in time to listen to “Smile”, which I thought in poor taste given that the pre-show publicity, regarding this segment of the show, was about a man who made his living making other’s smile, though his heart was obviously aching: “That’s the time you must keep on trying. Smile, what’s the use of crying? You’ll find that life is still worthwhile. If you just smile.” It almost seemed as if they were mocking Mr. Williams; I am sure this was simply not a well thought out moment, in the show.
As the photographic montage, of the talented people lost in this last year, played, I found myself sad and reflective, waiting for Mr. Crystal to take the stage, to eulogize his friend:
“As genius as he was on stage, he was the greatest friend you could ever imagine. It’s very hard to talk about him in the past because he was so present in all of our lives. For almost 40 years he was the brightest star in a comedy galaxy. . .”
His comments were brief, and I believe Mr. Crystal was not yet ready to speak about his loss. I needed more; but I decided to hold off judgment until the next day – I wanted to read the reviews, which were favorably indifferent – perhaps we all wanted more.
The day before watching the Emmys, we had gone to a memorial service for someone who had also committed suicide, a week, to the day, before Mr. Williams. Someone, who like Mr. Williams I felt deserved more than a few clichéd lines; yet whose way of dying seemed set to define them, more so than their life.
I in no way take fault with Mr. Crystal; I believe he was in shock and will be for quite some time. He must be wondering how his friend reached such a low point in his life, unknown to those who loved him.
I know that as I sat at the reception table of familiar strangers, none who seemed comfortable with the truth of why we were there, I kept wondering how and why does a 45 year old woman, who just days before seemed happy, wake up on a Monday morning, and decide that today will be the last day of her life? I also wondered why no one was talking about suicide – the elephant in the room?
In the weeks surrounding my neighbor’s death, I have found myself talking quite a bit about suicide with those who knew this woman as well as those who did not, but have heard of her death. Mostly, everyone has questions, which we then speculate on the answers, as we will never truly know why, though the first question we all ask is why? Why did this person take their life? Then we want to know what was so horrible that they lost hope? What was worse on that day than any other day? Why did they not reach out for help? Or perhaps it was an accident? Could it have been an accident? Did they actually mean to take their life?
Inevitably, the conversation comes to an end with how did I do nothing? Why did I not reach out to them? How could I have not seen their pain?
We will all try to shrug off the guilt of not helping them, by saying we were not that close, we had not spoken in years, they really did not like me, my life has been so busy lately, I knew they were depressed, but I really thought it was a phase – there really are endless clichés.
What I know, is that I was in town for her birthday, and I did nothing. I did not bake her a cake, or even buy one at the grocery store. I did not take her flowers or buy her a card – cards are two for a dollar, at the Dollar Store. Why? Why did I not reach out in kindness? There are many excuses, but not a single reason. I know I thought about it that day, but did not act. I believe that when we die, we will stand in front of God, and give account for our life. One day, I am going to have to explain what seemed more important than reaching out to someone in need, even anonymously, and wishing them a Happy Birthday.
After Mr. Williams shocking death, facebook, our coffee klatch, was filled with sorrow and disbelief, followed by comments about how we need to be kind and hug our loved ones. It is all good and well, but it is easy to be kind and hug our loved ones. It is the ones we do not love, or that hate us or have worn us out that it is hard to hug and be kind to.
I am not so arrogant as to believe that if I had wished her a Happy Birthday, months later, she would not have taken her life; but the truth is we shall never know, and I have to live with that.
Life is not what it should be, most of us are dealing with both past and present pain, most of us have moments of loneliness and sorrow, most of us find ourselves with times of heartache and disappointment, and most of us will take a walk, or have a dish of ice-cream, or if we are lucky, call a good friend who will listen to why we are sad that a love did not work out, or the promotion went to someone else, or the doctors report is depressing; and as the conversation progresses, we will find that we are feeling a little better, and glad to know how our friend is doing, and not as focused on how sad we were, at the beginning of the conversation. Tomorrow is another day, hope does spring eternal, and everything will be okay – until it is not.
Suicide is horrible; but there is hope. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), is staffed 24 hours a day; and there are other resources as well, please call someone if you are feeling hopeless, and please take a look around you at those you love and those you tolerate and those you cannot stand – if you cannot personally help someone who is hurting, call 911– it is better to make a mistake than to end up at funeral wondering what happened.
