Feeling Grateful
Praise Report: Today I got on my bike! About eight weeks ago now, we came home from another extended trip where we had gotten second opinions, about Kate’s injuries, which assured us we were still in for a long journey. I thankfully decided to go shopping, on that Thursday – Market Basket, Trader Joe’s, Target, and Wal-Mart. I was home by 5PM, quick bite to eat, and then we were supposed to be off to Caroline’s Bible Study. As we ate, in the pool room, which Kate was just about finished painting, admiring her handy work, I got up to check for ‘holiday’s” a painting term which means areas missed. I somehow tripped, and hit the cement floor, on my left knee, which in seconds was swollen, discolored, and the source of the worst pain I have ever known. In a state of utter shock, I made it to the living room, where Kate, using her cane to get around, brought me her wheel chair, which I got into and she pushed me back to bed, as I carried her cane. (Yes, please feel free to picture this and laugh. It has been quite a site to see.)
For two weeks, I could not do much but lay around, icing my knee, waiting for the swelling to go down. I remember, at one point, Doug asking me about my tolerance to pain. I said I had a high tolerance, and then laughed at myself, as I was unable to put any weight on my left leg, due to the pain – so maybe not that high a tolerance.
The night it happened, I felt complete and utter despair. I am a klutz, and I fall a lot, but this was different, I was not going to be able to take two aspirin and get going again. The timing could not have been worse, as Kate was still not okay, and there were so many things in our life which she had not been able to do since her accident, in October. How in the world was she going to take care of me, when just hours before, I was still taking care of her?
I remember telling God that I could live with pain, but that I had to be able to walk, we could not both have trouble walking; and I have to say walking is kind of my thing – I love walking! I love exploring cities by foot, I love walking to relieve stress, I love walking to see friends, I love walking anywhere and everywhere, I could not give up walking. Yes, I cried quite a lot the first few days, feeling sorry for myself.
It took three days before I could use the shower chair, the same shower chair that Kate had used for months, and my Mother for years, this was not the kind of family tradition I wanted to perpetuate, but I was so relieved to shower, I suddenly felt a bit more whole, though needing help for the showering process was more than humbling.
But there was so much which I could not do, period. I have been cooking family meals since I was eleven, suddenly I had to wait for food – I really like food and like my Mother, I hate being hungry. Caroline understood this need, without it being voiced, and became our own personal meals on wheels! What a blessing! Not only would Caroline bring over several very large meals, at once, but she would bring appetizers and desserts! Food which Kate could easily reheat and serve, even with her own issues, and Caroline would stay to share more than a few meals with us, when in the midst of summer, we were reliving our winter of discontent. There was so much she did to make this time easier to bear, from surprises, which I always love, to spending the night with me, when Kate had to go out of town, on business; but I have to say, one of the kindest things, which she did, was to offer to clean up the floors, which badly needed them. I declined, though I did think about it for a few too many seconds; but I remember feeling so touched that she would even offer.
Since Kate’s accident, one of the more constant themes in our life is my Mother, who for years lived with pain and disability. Repeatedly, Kate has said something along the lines: I now understand why your Mother would . . . so many things, from call out when she saw someone walking by, either because she needed something basic, like a drink of water, or was lonely and wanted someone to talk with, for a few minutes. Life can be very challenging when your mobility is compromised and when every step comes with great pain. I in no way compare the last few months of my life with what my Mother lived with for years, or Kate now for almost a year, but I hope I am now more sensitive and aware of the challenges which physical pain bring.
One of our current pet peeves, based on our experience with Kate, is disabled parking which is not at the front of a business. With Mother, one of us would always drop her off at the front of the store or church or house, while the other went and parked the car, but that has not been possible during this situation. Worst disabled parking so far: Texas! Worst hotel for people with disabilities: The Double Tree in Colorado! Worst feature at rest areas: No handicapped door buttons!
After two weeks, or so, I was able to get out of bed and maneuver my wheel chair pretty well, and decided to get back into life, though things were not as they had been. There is a threshold into the office, which I could not cross in the wheel chair, so I committed a shonda; I set up my computer and printer on the dinner table! Kate, hauled books out for me, from the office, and I went to work – I have to say, this was the most productive writing period I have ever had in my life!
A couple of weeks later, I was using Nour’s walker, which he had given to my Mother, and which Caroline still had. What freedom! I could go back into my office, and clean up the dinner table. I now had access to most of my house, though I had not stepped down into the Florida room or pool room, or gone outside, but that too came, thank God. I soon found myself so grateful for things like being able to make dinner again and roll my morning coffee into the office. When I was able to roll out to the mailbox, even though the knee buckled, and I cried out in pain, I was still so happy to be walking.
About a month into this ordeal, I was still using the shower chair and walker, when I got a phone call, from a friend, about the suicide of a neighbor. I knew I would have to go for the funeral, but I did not know how I would be able to get around in the real world. I told Kate I have to try to take a shower, without the chair, which I did. We stopped at Caroline’s and Doug’s, on our way out of town, and Doug prayed for complete healing, why settle for just walking – it was a good lesson. I switched to one of my Mother’s cane’s and hit the road, every day pushing myself a little more, and adjusting to this new pain.
And yes, another moment to laugh about, both Kate and I walking around with our canes; but that is okay, we are both walking!
We spent several weeks in Florida, with good days and bad, for many reasons. On our way back to Maine, I found myself with a few hours in Annapolis, one of my favorite cities to walk. I especially enjoy the United States Naval Academy, which I have walked around before, but never with a digital camera. I decided I wanted to photograph the football stadium and the chapel. I was a bit terrified. I had developed a lot of pain in my left foot, while in Florida, I think perhaps overdoing it in the garden, with very bad shoes; but I was determined to walk both in the garden and at the Academy.
I took off alone with glee. I explored the familiar and discovered new spots, and found myself in the midst of a sea of cadets, changing classes, with an insane amount of steps in front of me, and nowhere to go. I cannot climb the stair like I used to, yet. I have to step down with the bad leg, every time, and up with the good the leg – you can imagine how that looks. I did try to go up the steps like I used to, and it was only the sea of cadets, which tempered my crying out; so it was one step at time, as I knew one step at time would get me to the chapel, which it did.
By the end of the two hour walk, I really was ready to cry. My knee was sore, but the foot was almost unbearable. I had debated taking off my shoes, thinking that my help the foot, luckily, at my last second of strength, on the phone with Kate who had come looking for me, she said: I am right in front of you. I could sit down, and take those two aspirin. I was okay, in pain, yes, but I had walked the Academy, though I did not photograph the football field.
Before we left Maine, to attend the funeral, Kate had bought me a stationary bike, to strengthen my knee. I had gotten on it, as if I had not been injured, with great anticipation. My first piece of exercise equipment had been a stationary bike, which I found in the trash – love free things. I had called Kate, who was working the overnight shift, and told her she had to come for “lunch”; it was around two o’clock in the morning. I had loved that bike and ridden it until it really did need to be thrown away. I was excited to have a bike again. The first rotation on the left knee, found me screaming out, as if someone had taken a hammer to my knee. It was not a pretty site. Kate offered to return it or at least take it out of my site, but I said no.
This morning, after I got dressed, I decided to take another stab at the bike, which is still in my bedroom. Yes, I was afraid, it turns out there is something which I call fear of pain, but as the first turn came around, I thought: I can handle this. I believe God, in His mercy, has touched my knee; and I am grateful! I still have to work on the stairs; and getting up from a sitting position, without support, but I feel very hopeful!
My birthday is September, school always started in September, autumn, my favorite time of the year, starts in September, and of course the High Holy Days, usually fall in September. For me, September has always been the start of my new year. We bought the house in Maine, in September, and it was certainly a challenging year; but tomorrow, is September 1st, which means a new year starts. There has been a lot of heartache this year, but there have also been many unexpected blessings. I would like to thank those of you who extended a kindness in prayer, thought and deed to us during the last couple of months, and the last year – you have made an immeasurable difference in our life – That Is All For Now.
Very beautiful & expressive writing as usual! I hope, pray & believe, this is your year.
Thank you, how very kind.