Change
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
~ Leo Tolstoy ~
Lately, it seems that the only consistent thing in my life is change – except for my friends; I will get back to that one very important and invaluable element of life, later.
Have you ever bought a house sight unseen? I am about to. Kate decided to surprise me with a house. She says that when she walked into the house, she instantly felt at home, which is no small thing, and that it reminded her of my dream house, which I had previously sketched for her. Since having spent a very long visit in a private home, in Chihuahua, Chihuahua, Mexico
I have always loved the Spanish architectural influences of open courtyards, where the entire house looks out onto a courtyard that becomes the center of the home. Our friends, in Mexico, had the perfect home, in my fifteen year old opinion. The two story house was built around the courtyard, with stairs outside to go up to the bedrooms which all looked out the gorgeous, flowering patio – they brilliantly attached their business, a bakery which made tortillas, to the outside of their home – away from the courtyard. It was in our friend’s home that I learned to appreciate fresh corn tortillas.
If our new house had been built in Florida, the courtyard concept would not be a surprise; but the house is in Maine, centrally located to my family. It is not exactly a courtyard, more of a semi-courtyard; but the courtyard is enclosed, which is very important in Maine, and it has an indoor pool, which is an incredible luxury I never imagined owning – also, there is a built in library!
So I have only see pictures of this surprise house, and knowing the exceedingly arduous negotiations that have gone on, I am still a bit leery about announcing this purchase, but for the moment, all systems seem to be a go – I am about to buy a house sight unseen. Yes, I have expressed more than slight concern; but change, more change, is on its way.
I must say that having lived with the majority of my life in storage, for the last year, I am very much looking forward to simple things, like using another purse; and having looked at least a hundred houses in person and thousands on-line, this leap of faith should not feel that great. However, embracing change is not always easy.
A few weeks ago, we sat at our friend Fran’s house, telling her about the new house – she was the last person we felt needed to be told, in person, and the most difficult one to tell. We often drop over to Fran’s late in the evening, as she keeps our hours, and is always glad to see us, even if we knock on her window at ten o’clock at night. She was happy and sad, just as I am; Freda and Fran were both coming to our early Thanksgiving dinner, late in August, and she said with a touch of melancholy and reflection: “Oh, it is a farewell dinner now.” I quickly interjected no, it is a first Thanksgiving for Peter, a young American who has never shared a Thanksgiving meal; but she did not believe me. Fran was contemplative and complimentary, as we showed her pictures of new house and planned her visit north; but she felt the end of an era in our lives. I assured Fran that we are keeping the house in Florida; she seemed suspicious, as we have had it on the market, in the past. But it is true, we are about to become what Floridians call “snow birds”. We travel north in the summer and south in the winter.
Those who know me well know about my love hate relationship with my Florida home. When I packed up to go north, last year, I would have been at peace with the house selling; but after my Mother died unexpectedly, I returned to this empty house and found that it was filled with wonderful memories of not only my Mother, but of my Aunt Helen and my Uncle David and my Aunt Roxanne and Phil, and Joan Hayden, and Charlotte Ladner, and Milton, and Tom and Ruth, and Camille and Jean and Al, and Nora, and even Sid – and our very dear Merry Margaret, all whom I have lost since moving here; as well as memories of all of the Nouri’s, some who too have passed away, but that I am blessed to have known, as well as the Barros and Fran and the Luis’s and their respective families, and Evelyn and her family, and the Needleman’s and Susie, and Joan Williams and Shirley, and the garden club and the neighborhood association friends and all of the CLC friends, and the IBMers, and all of mine and my Mother’s friends who have come for extended visits over the years from Ernesto to Pat to Ronald to Francia to Marlene to – well it is a long, marvelous list of lovely people and precious memories and this list is in no way exhaustive.
Somehow, even in the empty house, I felt at home. The house in Florida is the longest abode I have ever occupied, and I do not seem to be able to part with it. I do so love Florida and all it has given me.
The insanity of my life, in the last couple of years, is too arduous for these pages; but it has certainly involved unexpected and shocking revelations and deeds which have left me with a broken heart, a bruised soul, and a bewildered spirit. With devastating consequences, I have been betrayed by people that I loved and that I thought I knew; but in our darkest moments there are still lessons to be learned, if we are willing to be taught – of course the willing part is rather difficult.
Perhaps, kicking and screaming and in a total state of disbelief, but I have learned a few things, starting with a revelation from my own moral compass, the Bible.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about the Bible verse which says we reap what we sow; and have conclude that it cannot be applied to our life on earth. Too much horror happens to too many innocent people, for God to mean that what we reap on earth is based on the lives we live. The evening news alone makes it impossible to believe that there will ever be justice on earth – how is a fourteen year child, repeatedly raped by her middle aged teacher, who is sentenced to thirty days in jail, having confessed to the rapes, while her grief stirs her to take her own life reaping what she sowed? Justice is for another place, not here.
I have also learned that we are most assuredly defined by our actions, not sadly, our words. I love words, but words without deeds are meaningless. We make many promises throughout our lives and declarations of what we would do should we say win a million dollars or be on a sinking ship or face a violent enemy – the truth is that unless our character is true to itself, our words and deeds will never be aligned. Honesty must begin with ourselves; we must be true to ourselves, if our words and deeds are to be compatible.
Thirdly, I have learned that we cannot see ourselves in the reflection of others. The choices the people we love make, while impacting our lives, as we are truly interconnected, at the end speaks to who they are not to who they are to us or who we are as people.
Fourthly, I have learned that when irrevocable and undesired change is upon us, we must come to acceptance, not for the agents of change; but for ourselves. Fighting change is a losing battle; yet in the midst of change we can still be true to ourselves and still find joy in our sorrows. The only thing we can control is how we react to change; I will admit to not being pleased with my reactions; but I am trying to pick myself up, dust off the dirt, and remember what and whom I love.
Fifthly, not all change is bad: Last Thanksgiving, we gathered at Beth and Kyle’s home, and my family, which so often has felt rootless, seated four generations, at the table. I hate to think of my Mother’s absence this year, and will miss her dearly, but thanks to Beth and Kyle, we are getting ready to welcome our first baby boy, to the family, this Thanksgiving – a new life is a great change.
Manasseh Press, the parent company of That Is All For Now, has also officially become a non-profit corporation, and expanded its mission with further good changes coming our way.
We just celebrated Early Thanksgiving in August, privileged to sit down with some of our remarkable friends, to enjoy turkey and all of the trimmings – including the most precious moments of gratitude, for which I am thankful and words which I will treasure forever. Holidays when you are with the people you love, regardless of what the calendar says is another great change.
In a few weeks I will be reunited with my dear friends Shahnaz and Lia; I do not remember when the last time was that we were all together? But what a nice change to see them again, in person!
When we bought the house in Florida, I remember thinking how much my Father would have enjoyed setting up his easel, on the patio or in the Florida room, painting, sipping coffee, and chatting with our friends and neighbors who dropped by unexpectedly. Now I think about the new “perfect” ranch house, and cannot help but think of Mother, how she could have sat in the sun room, watched the birds, deer, and other wildlife, which she loved, and been an active member of the household, my heart breaks to know that she will not be able to enjoy the new home; but her never occupied bedroom will become the guest room for the aforementioned friends – the constant in my changing world, for which I am grateful and blessed. That is all for now.
I loved your article Jill. See you very soon & Lots of Love!