Life Comes First
I would very much like to write about something happy and bright; but I do not know if I am happy and bright. I think I am in a pensive and at times melancholy place, which I believe is alright, for now. When I met Kate, I told her I was not a happy person; rather I was a person who had happy moments.
At the time, my Father had been dead for less than a year, and I was still grieving his loss, which most assuredly impacted how happy I viewed the world; and I had also survived, though not yet addressed, a few too many hardships. I could not be happy all of the time, but I was hopeful of more happy moments and happy moments did come.
On January 27, I sat in church, with most of my immediate family, not to celebrate a life lived, as we had on January 6, for my Mother; but to celebrate a new life filled with possibility and wonder. Annaka, my great-niece, was dedicated to the Lord; and after the service, we went back to her parents’ home, where we had all gathered for Thanksgiving, a few months before. Now we shared another meal, watched the Miami Heat sadly, at least for Kate and me, be defeated by the Celtics, and then sang Happy Birthday to Joy, Annaka’s grandmother, who was about to have a birthday. It was a very nice Sunday. We laughed, we made big and small talk, and I think we each, in our own way, felt my Mother’s loss – though I know we also celebrated that Mother and Annaka got to know each other, at least for a bit.
Someday, I am going to write about how my Mother died; but not today. I cannot write about that today; though I have thought about it today, as I have every day since I lost her.
I have just watched a short video about Lee Woodruff, a contributor to CBS, who has made a suicide pact with her two sisters, as a result of having watched their father die of Alzheimer disease. Why the sisters have decided to share with the world that they are planning to take their lives is not something I am clear about – is this a call for help? Have not all of the Public Service Announcements trained us to understand that when people talk about killing themselves they are actually crying out for help? Should we be sharing this story or calling a suicide help line, and giving them the sister’s story? I do not know, but just in case:
Help line http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255
The sisters are apparently worried about their quality of life. In the last six months, I have heard so much about quality of life, none of which has enhanced my quality of life. In fact, it seems that the dialogue about quality of life always ends in speaking of death.
I am tired of death; there has been too much death in my life, in the last five years. Too many people that I loved have died; I have sat too many vigils and have seen too many people draw their last breath; there have been too many phone calls, emails, and letters announcing that someone else has died. There have also been too many phone calls, emails, and letters announcing that someone has a horrible disease which may kill them, or someone is having a horrible test, for a horrible disease, which may kill them. I have also felt what may be an irrational sense of loss, over the death of complete strangers at elementary schools, movie theaters, and even nightclubs, while I keep reading about “wars and rumors of wars” – it is too much death.
When I was a little girl, I told my Mother I did not want to go to heaven. She was of course mortified. My Mother had dedicated her life to sharing the Gospel, the belief that there is one and only one God that He sent His Son to earth, to die, on Calvary, for the remission of our sins. If you believe that Jesus died and rose again and if you asked Him to forgive you for your sins, when you died you would go to Heaven; where He had already gone to prepare a place for us. The most important part of my Mother’s life was sharing the Gospel, ensuring that as many people as possible would go to Heaven; it was what defined the quality of her life. Though dumbfounded when I told her that I did not want to go to Heaven; my incredibly wise Mother, instead of reprimanding me, began what would be a life time of conversations about why Heaven should be our goal. She understood that what I was saying was that I of course preferred Heaven to Hell, which was the only other alternative; I was just not in a hurry to get there – I really wanted to live, I was not interested in dying, which was a prerequisite to get to Heaven.
Life and death go hand-in-hand, death is inevitable, but life does comes first – before we die, and are faced with either Heaven and Hell, we are alive and are given a life to live, as we see best.
Death brings many unwanted gifts to those that are left behind, mostly loss. There is a longing for one more conversation or hug, for more moments of a shared life; but there is also this moment of taking stock, whether we want to or not – first of the person’s life, which you have lost, and then of your own life. What have you done with your life? What did you want to do? What do you want to change? Can you change? How much time do you have left?
Ah, it is that last question, for which we have no answer, which can easily send us into an existential spiral. (Yes, I believe Christians can have existential crises.) You can only meditate so long on the notion that “unto each of us is appointed a time to live and a time to die” and while we can make a suicide pact, for example, and perhaps change our time to die, for most of us, when we die is simply out of our hands. Thus, we are back to living – ah, but the existential angst refuses to leave – what is the difference between living and existing? What is the quality of our life?
Recently, I listened to Charlie Rose interview Bill Gates, who spoke about his hope to eradicate polio, which is now found only in Nigeria, Pakistan, and Afghanistan. Mr. Gates spoke with passion, dedication, and determination, not only about what he hoped, but about what he had done and is doing to achieve this monumental goal. This is a man who has certainly already created his place in history, thanks to his work with Microsoft, which he still speaks about with pride and tenderness; yet, his interest in impacting world health, especially for children, and decreasing the mortality rate of children, from 12 million a year in 1990, to 6 million by 2015, seems to enliven him with an almost infectious drive. As I heard him speak, I found myself wanting to know more about polio and malaria, subjects which in my limited exposure to and quite frankly interest in, I associate with President Roosevelt, having visited his Little White House at Warm Springs, Georgia, where he went to tend to his polio, and the building of the Panama Canal, which was delayed by its workers contracting malaria. Mr. Gates appears to be living life, and not simply existing.
Yes, I know, as does he and as does Charlie Rose, Mr. Gates’ billions of dollars have given him an upper hand in the whole make your life matter debate; but he is not the first or last billionaire. I feel certain that he has and continues to enjoy the pleasantries that money can buy, but he did not stop with success in business, the nice house, or the trip around the world – he also decided that besides creating operating systems for me to write in, he was going to eradicate polio! He was going to make his life about something more than just him or his family or his company. I wonder if he questions the quality of his life?
I know if I had asked my Mother, about Bill Gates, she would want to know whether or not he is saved. She would say that no matter what he does on earth, if he is not ready to meet his heavenly Father, nothing else is going to count – I am intentionally not going to go to Wikipedia, to see if Bill Gates faith or lack thereof is spoken about. I am instead going to wrap myself in ignorance, at least regarding Mr. Gates’ spiritual beliefs, and be inspired by the fact that he is living life, not just existing.
Unquestionably, Microsoft did change the world, but it seems that Mr. Gate’s post Microsoft life will make an even bigger change in the world. I do not believe that we can all have the kind of impact which he will have, logistics are real; but I do believe that we can influence our own world. I believe that while we live we have hope, and our hope can inspire action, which can make our little piece of the world a better place; even if we feel that we are fighting what appears to be a losing battle, say something akin to Alzheimer disease. Death will come to us all, there is nothing we can do about that, but first comes life – first we get to live!
I think there are still dragons to slay, mountains to climb, and oceans to cross, and I believe that in the challenge we take on, we find the quality of life, which gives us a sense of meaning and purpose – that is all for now.
Jill? Jill Mosqueda from “The Ranch” in Pico Rivera? OMG!
This is Chuck Foltz who sat next to you in ‘Team’ class all those years ago. How have you been all these years? Can you write me at Chuck_stripey@yahoo.com, please? Long time no see!
Chuck